Thursday, 08 January 2009

• Chapter 7

  It seems that the more she enjoyed the date, the more difficult it is to get Benedict out of her mind. She was wondering if she should be happy with the memories she just had or she should stop seeing Benedict in future to stop the misery. Was she miserable or was she happy with the meet. She was not sure of it herself. Questions were again racing through her head. Why is it that she cannot cherish what she has? Not content and wanted more. Her husband treated her like every woman’s desire, why is she looking for trouble and not cherishing him? She asked herself if losing Joseph or Benedict would be more painful? Would she take the risk to meet Benedict again? At the expense of her happy marriage? Of betraying Joseph again?  She could never have any answers to any of the questions. She even has ridiculous thoughts that she began seeing Benedict in the 1^st place before knowing Joseph, trying to ease her guilt. She had even thought of returning to the stage of being single, without Joseph and meeting Benedict freely anytime anywhere whenever Benedict is free for her. But was it worth it? She has no answer to any of the questions. She had thought of asking Benedict to analyze for her some day when they have a chance to meet again. She has no idea at all after all these years.

   

  Something in Jayne’s mind had been telling her that she could not continue like this. She must put a stop to her missing Benedict. She had been thinking of him constantly after the recent meet. The feeling is so intense that she will think of him even when she is with Joseph. A stop must be put to this before her marriage and her life as well as her heart will be wrecked. Leaving Joseph is never in her list, however, she cannot bear to give up Benedict either. She is at a lost of what to do. Morally, the definite thing to do is to forget about Benedict and live a peaceful life with Joseph.

   

  Finally, after much thought and struggle, she knew the best way is to give up Benedict. Give up the hope of remaining friends with him because she knew she could not stop at just being friends. The feelings for Benedict will always be there if she keeps in contact with him. And these feelings will gradually destroy her relationship with Joseph. No matter how hard she tried. She even tried deceiving herself that her feelings for Benedict is just lust and that she loves Joseph. It could not be love for Benedict since they knew so little about each other.

   

  The recent meet had made her realize that lust could not have brought her so much missing, so much heartache, so much pinning.

   

  She decided to write Benedict an email expressing all her feelings she had hidden for years. She revealed that she had not wanted him to know but because she needs his help desperately in order to forget him. Need him to stop contacting her as she had tried forgetting him and had almost succeeded three years back. However, a call from him knocked down all her defenses and all the feelings she felt for him returned. She added that she had enjoyed every moment with him.

   

  Though she had expected Benedict not to reply to her mail, still as always, the hope is there. She had hoped to see what Benedict would have to say.

  7 years of knowing Benedict, with feelings growing every year. She had never ask Benedict to give her anything. She had just wanted him to have a tiny bit of feel at least. To think of her and miss her sometimes. Having the hope that he might think of her when he encountered something they had done together or been together or discussed about together before. However, to her dismay, though Benedict replied, all he wrote was a simple statement. He had received her emotional mail and understands where she was coming from. He gives his blessing.

   

  The more she thought about it, the firmer the answers became. That, 7 years of effort had gone down the drain. She had never made any impact to him at all. The mail sounds so indifferent. She had made a fool of herself once again. She does not understand how can one be so indifferent when they had shared intimate times. Even to a friend, would one not feel the slightest bit of feelings at all having realize that she is going away? Would he not be affected at all? She had felt so much hurt. He must have forgotten times they shared together before in these past 6 years. Jayne had remembered everything. Times they shared, places they had been, things he had said, his touch, his kisses, the feelings she felt during the intimacy for all these years. She had forsaken her previous boyfriend partly because of Benedict and now she has to learn to let everything go. His enchanting face, memories of them together, the features and charm Benedict possessed, the special kisses that melt her down, his touch, his hands and his sensual voice.

                    

  However, the road to forget him will not be easy. There are simply too many things that can remind her of Benedict. Certain or should say many things can strike back the sweet memories of him. Even when seeing Tay Ping Hui, the Singapore actor on TV can make Jayne miss Benedict more. BMWs, Porsche, CLK, Volvo on the road, his favorite number, kois, passing by the area near Benedict’s place, Oreo cookies, adhesive smell, scent of Emporio Armani perfume, places they had been together, upon hearing  ‘Eyes on me’, the songs they had discussed before. The list is long.

   

  A week had past and Jayne had felt miserable. She had cried several times when alone thinking that Benedict will be lost in her life forever. What are left are only memories.

  Things that remind her of him brought tears to her eyes. Had she wanted this? She had told herself that she would not be able to know how he is anymore. After thinking and asking herself many questions repeatedly, she had decided not to let go. So what if Benedict does not feel anything for her. She had known this all along. At least, he is willing to remain in contact and she will get to know how he is. She decided that she would not try anything funny again but just be content with remaining in contact. She had accepted the fact that nothing she do will affect Benedict or have the slightest feelings for her. However, how is she going to turn back now that Benedict had known about her feelings? Benedict might not wish to continue further now that he knew Jayne had developed feelings for him. This is what flirts like him are afraid of. Jayne thought.

   

  She thought about it for a few nights. When, one of her friend, Diane, indirectly gave her an idea one day. Her friend had mentioned to her that she would get very emotional usually when her daily menses approaches.

   

  Jayne sent Benedict an sms telling him that the emotional mail was sent due to her Pre Menses Stress and had requested him to ignore. After a few hours of not receiving reply, Jayne dropped Benedict another sms asking if he took it seriously and ask him not to. He finally replied with an ok and a smiley face. Oh boy, was she relieved. She was back to her happy mood. Back to her old self. She had decided to take things at a time and let Benedict contact her. Should he stop contacting her, she would know then that she had expired and it is time to let go.

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• Chapter 6

  Next morning was a joyous moment when Jayne’s buddies arrived and the usual teasing and sabotaging began. The day went by quickly and soon they were all in the restaurant preparing for the banquet and all guests were arriving.

  Benedict appeared in a stylish pink shirt with jeans and shook hands with Jayne. There is something special about him that brings out the charisma within. She had almost kissed him and forgotten where she was and what day it meant. ‘SNAP’. The photographer was quick to snap them shaking hands. This awakens Jayne’s thoughts and they took a picture together. Benedict hurriedly went over to Joseph and congratulated him and told Jayne that he had to leave as he was expecting a client from the States and he had to entertain him.

   

  Jean whom had already been hearing stories of Benedict and knew of their affairs from Jayne herself finally gets to see Benedict. She told Jayne that she agrees, he is indeed a man with charm.

   

  Jayne had felt a pinch of ache when she watched Benedict talked to Hazel and left shortly. She was too busy to indulge too long in the pain though, as guests came flowing in and there were so many things that needed her attention.

   

  Days after wedding do not seem to have much difference to Jayne as they are already used to having each other around everyday and staying together. Wednesdays was fixed as a day for Jayne to return to her own home and have dinner with her dad. After dinner, when Jayne switched on the television, the lead actor in the drama series looks so much like Benedict. The more she watched, the more she felt the resemblance. Even the way they behave. The style they carry. On impulse, Jayne messaged Benedict and asked him if anyone told him that he resemble that actor. As usual, Jayne had not expected a reply from him. He replied, to her utmost surprise. “I got it all the time. Even the custom gals and in hawkers. Why?”

  “Nothing. Saw the actor, Tay Ping Hui  in TV and thought of you. By the way, saw the picture of you and your wifey that is placed in the hall. You both look so nice together. Both look pretty and handsome. A very matching couple.”

  Jayne had tried to avoid her own feelings of envious and jealousy, though she had to admit that they look very compatible.

  That was the last Jayne had last heard from him ever since, until Jayne’s pal, Jermaine saw a charming man entering the company she was working in and was talking to her boss. She had overheard and realized that this man is named as Benedict. After Benedict left, Jermaine went over and asked her boss if Benedict had worked in Impingement before. Her boss confirmed her doubt that this is the same Benedict as the one her pal had been so ridiculously in love with. She messaged Jayne and told her about it. As they were not as close as before, Jayne had denied that she was still in contact with Benedict when Jermaine asked. Jayne was afraid of complications. Jermaine too had agreed that he is a man with charisma indeed and had finally realized what makes Jayne so crazy about.

   

  Jayne will always have her MSN on when she was working. She will sometimes see Benedict going on and off line for a short period of time.

  Seeing him on MSN will also makes Jayne’s heart thumb like crazy. She tried striking a conversation with Benedict and she finally get to know that Benedict’s wife is a lawyer.

  Wow. She thought to herself. She should give up now. His wife is so pretty and capable.

  “Jayne, Jayne, you should already be proud of yourself. His wife is so beautiful and capable, yet you are able to have such a long fling with her husband. You should be content.” Jayne told herself.

   

  Gradually, Jayne had comes to terms with the fact that she is not able to be with Benedict. ‘It could be sort of a fantasy. If I am really with him, I might not find it all that noble after all.’ Jayne thought to herself.

   

  Though Benedict seldom replies to Jayne’s sms, she would just like him to know her thoughts. There was a morning while having breakfast with Joseph before work at a coffee shop, they saw a couple arriving in an Audi saloon car. The man gets off and went over to open the door for the lady inside. Jayne sms Benedict telling him of what she saw and asked him if he does that for his wife. To Jayne’s surprise, Benedict called and told her that he will always do that for his wife.

  Benedict sms Jayne a while after saying that he desires for her. Jayne responded positively and they arranged to meet for dinner next week.

   

  Jayne was so excited. This is the 1^st time after six years that he even suggested a dinner before make out. They will usually meet only for that ever since their 1^st year together. Jayne had planned and got everything prepared before the date. As she do not usually dress up and make up for work. She has to bring quite a number of stuff. Luckily she has a big bag to keep everything.

   

  The day finally came and Jayne was so worried that Benedict’s urge will be over and cancelled their date. She messaged him on the day itself saying that she will see him at Marina Square. No reply from him. She messaged him in the evening again asking if he will fly aeroplane again. Still, no reply from him. Jayne shopped around and got herself some small items. She had told herself that she shall wait till nine ‘o’ clock before she finally give up and return to bugis and wait for Joseph to pick her up. Jayne got herself a drink in Macdonald and waited. While waiting, she felt so dumb that she is waiting without any leads on whether he is coming. She was staring into space and thinking of how dumb she was when her phone rings. Benedict called and told her that he is coming over now and will call her when he reached. Jayne’s mood changed immediately. Her senses seems to comes back only after the call, as she only realize that her whole body was numb from the cold air of Marina Square when she tried to stand up to leave for the washroom and prepare herself.

   

  She was shivering while walking to the washroom. The cold from the air con and her nervousness had made her shivers. She prepared herself and went out of the building to sit outside while waiting for Benedict’s call. While waiting, Jayne had decided to set a time for Joseph to pick her in case he calls her later when she is with Benedict. Everything was prepared and her nervousness settled down a little.

   

  They finally met at around nine plus and as Benedict had mentioned before, he had changed his BMW to a new, bigger model, the 7 series, while this time it is in blue. He was waiting at the taxi stand for her. They started a small chat and the date started off well. Jayne had told Benedict that she has to leave in less than 2 hours time, as Joseph will be picking her up at eleven. Benedict told her not to worry as he has a car and is one with speed. He is just so irresistible to Jayne.

   

  Benedict drove her to a secluded and romantic place for dinner. It was a quiet place set on top of a hill, known as ‘Turquoise Room’ near a popular wine bar call Villa Bali. He had been there once and had tasted the wine there with his friends after a golf session last Sunday. He had loved the wine there and had tried to find the particular wine he had last week. The lady boss of the restaurant recognized Benedict and knew which wine he was referring to but it was not available then.  They took the lady boss’s recommendation and tried the other one that tasted fabulous as well.

   

  They had a nice chat talking about everything under the sky and beautiful stars. He had indicated to Jayne on the beautiful stars up above and while Jayne was staring into the sky, Benedict patted her head and Jayne had felt so loved and pampered.

  As the topic went into Jayne’s activities, she asked him if he received the song she had recorded and sent to him and they went on talking about songs they loved. To Jayne’s surprise, he was quite familiar with the song Jayne had sung. He even knew the MV well.

  She was impressed. Jayne had grown fond of that song because the MV reminds her of herself and Benedict. She kept that to herself though she had very much wanted to tell him.

  He commented that she is so cute, to have the thought of recording her own singing.

  Jayne refuse to even admit to herself that her initial thought was Benedict in mind when she thought of recording. However, Jayne thought that it would be better and more appropriate to give it to her own loving hubby.

  They went on talking about their fav. songs and he sang a few sentences to her on how the songs goes. He sounds good, Jayne thought. She had always loved his voice. Loved everything about him. Benedict also mentioned that they should go on a KTV date someday.

   

  Benedict went on telling Jayne some funny stories of him entertaining his clients. Hostess in the KTV, of him getting drunk and was caught by Traffic Police with his Porsche.

   

  They shared some stories and Jayne had felt that she has not enjoyed this much with him except for sex for a long time. Jayne hated to leave but was left with no choice and had to indicate to Benedict that she needs to leave. Benedict foot for the bill and they head back to the car. As Jayne had thought that the ‘quickie’ was out of Benedict’s mind, it did not. He removed his specs and leaned towards her. They kissed and Jayne had actually been anticipating for that. She had longed for him though she knew this is not right. His kisses were just so special and enticing. She could never get enough of and no one can ever make her feel the way his kisses do.

   

  They went over to the back of the car and had a heated but fast one.  Though Jayne had requested Benedict not to release within her, he still did. He claims that he was too excited. He had asked her why and Jayne had wanted to reply him with, ‘you would not want me to bring a baby to you claiming that it is yours, would you?’ But when Jayne was silent, Benedict asked her if she is in her unsafe periods. She was not sure of what to say but to nod her head. They cleaned up themselves with wet tissues in his car and he told Jayne, ‘this is the 1^st time I am doing this in the car.’

  Benedict drove Jayne back as promised in fast speed. She realized that she was rather tipsy only when she alighted. She quickly popped in a candy to ease the smell and grogginess. Joseph came only near midnight. Jayne had regretted not cherishing more moments with Benedict. She began missing Benedict the very minute she got off the car. She sent him sms thanking and telling him that she had a good time and had enjoyed herself.

   

  The next day, Jayne could still smile to herself when she recalled last night. However, with no reasons, or whatsoever, Jayne’s feeling of sweetness gradually changed to sadness. She was certain before meeting Benedict that the feelings she has for him is Lust. She is just like Benedict who loves to flirt. However, she does not feel that way anymore after meeting him.  She missed him terribly and had felt like her heart been squashed when she thought of him. Pains her more to think of how much he loves his wife. She was not clear of her feelings towards Benedict again.

   

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• Chapter 5

  Jayne had heard from her ex colleagues in TMA that Natalie had divorced. Jayne felt relieved for Charlie, for he had finally won her over. Probably the divorce might not be because of him, however, in any case, he is now finally able to see her openly. Unlike herself. She will never ever have a chance like this.

   

  Jayne now met up with people of all levels listening to their job experience and learning from them. She came across a candidate that possesses the same adhesive smell she was so familiar with and had missed when she was in Impingement. That strikes memories that were left untouched for so long. It all rushes back to her mind.

   

  The urge to contact him hit her again. She had thought that an sms would not hurt. She messaged him telling him of the encounter. She had also asked him if he require any employment assistance. It seems that she had messaged him at the right timing as he called her back after some time and asked if Jayne was able to find out the name of a special adhesive from the candidate. He added that his client was seeking for the adhesive rather urgently. The only thought that came to her was to help him. She ran back to the office to retrieve the candidate’s contact number and found out about the adhesive name in the most discreet way and informed Ben about what she found. Since then, they had not contacted each other again.

   

  Jayne was now making preparations for her big day with Joseph. They had selected the restaurant, gone thru the wedding photo shooting and buying of all traditional necessities. Jayne had thought of seeing Benedict at her wedding. She would like to receive his blessings. She messaged Benedict and asked if he will be attending if she invited him. She had not expected a reply from him, which was the usual case. He surprised her by replying, “Sure”. Benedict dialed Jayne’s number and told her cheekily that he would like Jayne to arrange his seating with pretty ladies. Jayne had arranged for him to be seated with Hazel since she is the only person Benedict knows in her guest list.

   

  As Jayne had wanted to send the invitation card to Charlie, she gave him a ring in the evening. Charlie sounds very happy now. He sounded cheerful and had been living happily. Very much happier than before, Jayne sensed. The power of his love for Natalie, Jayne thought. Jayne had teased him on him sounding happy and had asked when he will be giving out his invitation card. If it was in the past, Jayne had expected him to say, ‘Neh, I had long decided to be a monk and not get married. Not a good man for anyone.’ But today, he replied with a cheerful tone, ‘maybe soon, I hope.’ Jayne had felt very happy for him.

   

  Days went by and Jayne’s big day is drawing near. She had arranged and booked a room at the Grand Copthrone Waterfront hotel for her hens’ night out to Zouk with some gal friends of hers. Jayne had planned to spend the night in hotel room with her gal friends and get them all drunk. Things turned out differently as most of the gals are not able to stay for the night except for one. As things turned out to be this way, a naughty thought came to Jayne‘s mind. She could have spent the night with Benedict and make it a one last unforgettable time together. Thoughts were all that she had dared to. She had fought with her devil thoughts on betraying her loving husband, Joseph.

   

  The night finally came and Jayne had checked in to the hotel with Joseph. She had planned to spend the day enjoying the hotel’s facilities with Joseph, but did not get to do so as Joseph was busy with work and could only get to check in during the evening.

  They went out to grab dinner together and got back to hotel for Jayne to get changed and be prepared for the night.

   

  Jayne’s friends arrived soon while she was still preparing herself and Joseph seems reluctant to leave. He finally left late at around 9pm. Jayne had waited for Joseph to leave before she messaged Benedict as she had mentioned to him before about the hotel room and the night. Benedict had wanted to spend the night with her in the room but Jayne had rejected him, as she could not bring herself to betray Joseph. Yet, she regretted in rejecting Benedict for she longed for him as well. She will always be in a dilemma when it comes to Benedict.

   

  Jayne and her friends had talked about Benedict and wanting him to do a strip dance, which Jayne knew, is something he will never do. He was not there even at 12am. Jayne waited anxiously for him to appear. She had been thinking and waiting for him the whole night. He had promised to go but did not appear and Jayne had felt disappointed and sad because she thought of that night as the last they will be able to see each other. Jayne started to drink more as time goes by. She had left her mobile with her friends while she went to the dance floor with another. When she returned, she discovered that she had missed a call from Benedict almost an hour ago. “Oh my gosh, why did I not bring my mobile with me?” thought Jayne excitedly. She rang up Benedict and was told by him that he had gone in to look for her but could not find her and not being able to reach her by her mobile too. She had felt so mad with herself then. Benedict had also added that he was having his old gastric and would need to leave soon. Jayne could not bear to see him go just like that and rushed outside without informing her friends.

  She was a little tipsy then while holding on to the phone with Benedict and it was Benedict that spotted her and told her to move forward as he was in his car.

  There he was, in his sleek and prestigious storm silver Porsche. Jayne hopped in and was not too excited by his car but by seeing him again. He still looks as fabulous as ever. Even more so charming with his polo T collar up.

  Jayne placed her face forward and their lips touched. He told Jayne that he had to leave. Jayne had told herself that she must grab the chance or it will be never, to take a picture with him together. They tried to take a few shots but were deleted by Benedict with the excuse of him not looking good when Jayne thought he seems to do it on purpose.

   

  As the car was parked along the road, the valet had told them to either leave or park properly. It seems that Jayne had no choice but to let him go. Benedict had hinted to Jayne one last time that he might be able to go over to her room while pulling her skirt to reveal her red g-string. He commented, “Ohh, kinky red” with a cheeky smile that enhance his handsome features. Jayne had felt depressed, as he was unable to spend a crazy night with her and instead being thinking about sex as usual. She had made no gesture in inviting him to the hotel and left, back to her friends.

   

  When she was back, she felt even more depressed and had wanted so much for him to be there. She regretted in not asking him to stay for the night. She messaged him wanting him to come over again and was honestly truthful to him that she desired for him. Benedict did not reply and had even switched his mobile off. Jayne got herself drunk while her friends left for the night with only one who was drunk as well.

  They both struggled back to the hotel and slammed themselves on the bed. When they were back, Jayne started crying out loud. She had been resisting herself and finally letting go when they were back in the hotel. She kept on calling Benedict’s number though she knew she could not get through to him.

   

  In her drunken state, she told her friend all about Benedict and how much she had desired for him to be there then. Jayne told her long story to a drunkard friend who was already in dreamland. Jayne finally cried herself to sleep. They packed up and left the next morning when Joseph came over and picked Jayne up.

   

  The night was over, however the thought of wanting Benedict for the last time still lingers on. She messaged him and told him about it. He had responded positively to Jayne’s request and they both made arrangement for a meet up. Benedict is supposed to fix the time and place.

   

  The day before Jayne’s big day, she lied to Joseph that she had planned a massage appointment but was meeting Benedict instead. She dolled herself up and went to meet him excitedly in his condo near Orchard. She was delighted in seeing him but he seems to be weary and kept a distance from her instead while they were at the ground floor where Benedict led her up to his unit.

  He behaved a little distant and Jayne had felt uneasy. He finally approached Jayne when they were in the unit and pulled her body towards him. Jayne had thought that it could be because there were surveillance cameras around.

  They kissed and swirled around and landed themselves on the bed. Jayne had felt the familiar touch. She felt the same emotions swept over her as he touched all over her.

  “How long has it been already?” asked Benedict. “Five years, sweetie.” Replied Jayne. She had wanted to tell Benedict how much she misses him for all these years and how she felt for him even to this stage when she is getting married. She had also had an urge to ask how Benedict felt about her these past 5 years. Does it matters to him? Jayne had held back all questions once again to avoid ending up in displeasure. She kept telling herself that even if they were both single, they were not suited for each other. They belong to two different worlds.

   

  Jayne went to the bathroom and found a lot of pictures of him and his wife. She realized that there was a beautiful picture of them in the hall as well. All the pictures projected a very happy image. They look so blissful and seem to be having so much fun together in the pictures. She had felt like a fool and had asked herself on her purpose of being there. Why did she ask for this? What had brought her there? She felt so much like crying but held herself back and tried not to think about it but to enjoy the moments together.

   

  Benedict had planned to go for a coffee with her and Jayne had not known why, he sent her to Orchard instead and told her that if time permits, he will come back to look for her. However, Jayne had no time to spare in the evening, as she needs to get her nails done and rest early for her big day the next day. Benedict did not contact her as well anyway. 

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• Chapter 4

  Jayne’s engineer had arranged a chalet and planned to make it a department fun gathering. As most of Jayne’s colleagues are married men, no one wishes to stay over for the night. The singles agree to stay for the night and that includes Jayne and another 2 of her colleagues, Carrie and Lee Wen.

  The day came and Jayne was actively participating in the preparation. They had much fun and Charlie, Jayne, Carrie and Gabriel threw water bombs on one another, running around and making a mess on one another. Jayne had planned to meet Benedict that night and had even bought him a pants from Springfield that she thought suits him. Charlie knew and had teased her that it will be more worth to give it to him instead.

  Benedict finally called Jayne late in the night and told her that he is coming but not too sure of the directions. As Jayne is a direction moron, she passed the phone to Gabriel to guide Benedict the way there while she rushes back to the room and doll herself up. Jayne bathed and changed while Charlie came back into the room and chill.

   

  He walked out with Jayne as it was already late in the night and he finds Jayne wearing a little too sexy to walk out alone in the night. Benedict was waiting for her at the car park. When they both reached the car park, Charlie found that Gabriel had thrown the rest of the water bombs on his car windscreen. He was ready to jump on Gabriel the next working day. Jayne had laughed heartily at the sight and Charlie’s angry face.

  They parted and Jayne walked towards Benedict who had his hair tagged neatly behind a hair band. Jayne finds it weird but it was a trend then and Benedict had wanted to keep his hair off his face after washed up.

   

  They reached Benedict’s place soon and Benedict were already all over her on the bed. All of a sudden, Jayne thought that she saw Benedict’s face turned a little black when he discovered that Jayne was not wearing bra. He asked her why in a very displeased tone. She giggled at his serious and kind of jealous expression and replied him that the top does not allow her to wear one because of the bare back design.

  Jayne had felt so blissful and happy that Benedict is actually  jealous. He might have seen how happy and close she was with Charlie on the way to meeting him.

   

  There came a night when Charlie finally gets to see Benedict. They had arranged to go clubbing with Jayne’s ex colleagues and Benedict is going too.

  Charlie had no good impression on him. He thinks that Jayne should not get too involve with him. Jayne had ignored Charlie’s advice, as it was already too late for her to stop herself. Many a times, she had wanted to say the 3 magical words to Benedict when they were intimate. She withdrew every time knowing this would put a full stop to the relationship.

   

  Jayne joined yet another gathering with the ex colleagues and Rachel was there too. Rachel took the chance to break the news to Jayne that Benedict is getting married.

  Jayne felt as if the whole world had crashed upon her. She felt totally depressed and helpless. She put on a false front though her thoughts were running wild with many questions in mind.

   

  As soon as Jayne reached home, hot tears streaked down her cheeks. Why hadn’t Benedict told her himself? Why does she have to receive another blow like this from Rachel again? Why after all these efforts and hope she had hidden had not come true?

  Does Benedict ever have any feelings for her at all?

  It was too late for her to realize that she is not suitable or even capable of participating in the game after all.

   

  Jayne could not care less any further and was eager to throw him with all the questions racing across her mind. She was anxious to tell him how upset she was to learn of the news. She wanted to ask him upfront if he has a tiny bit of feelings for her at all.

  She needs his consolation desperately. She knew that Benedict loves his wife lots and Jayne had not expected him to leave her. She felt confused and miserable. At that point of time, she just knew that she was extremely upset and need his consolations badly.

   

  She managed to get through to Benedict on his mobile that night. Jayne tried her best to hold back the tears that stung her eyes from falling, while she asked, “How have you felt about me? Was there any feelings involve at all?” Benedict sounded helpless when he mentioned that he would not have tried to send her home on the 2^nd interview if he have not feel for her. Why would he want to when Jayne was not even his employee then? He added that he had wanted to know where she stays. Indeed, though Hazel was employed as well, encounter was not as extraordinary as hers.  “You have to know that the feeling is entirely different.” Jayne did not probe further as she knew the answer. Feelings he had for Jayne could only be sensual or sexual attractions while the feelings he possesses for his wife is love. Who is she to believe that she can leave an impression on him when all the feelings Benedict had for her is nothing but physical attractions.

   

  As stubborn as she is, Jayne refuse to accept the answer that was there all along even till this moment. She decided to get confirmation from Charlie on the existence of ‘having feelings at the spur of moment’ as described by Benedict. Jayne would like to hear from another man’s perspective.

   

  Jayne asked Charlie out for supper and popped him the question. “Will there be such a feeling for someone only at the spur of moment?” He was suspicious initially on her asking such a question. Charlie looked at her with one of his eyebrow raised and Jayne lied that her close friend had encountered such a problem. He replied saying “That is how one night stand comes about, silly! I have a friend whom I do not understand either. He too was a flirt who had accustomed to having one nightstand. He told me that he had not betrayed his wife spiritually. He claims that he still loves his wife. His mentality is, “being physically intimated with someone else does not necessarily mean betrayal.” This statement strike Jayne and she believed that this is exactly what Benedict must have felt. He loves his wife very much and does not consider having flings as betrayal as long as he did not go astray spiritually.

   

  Jayne envies the lady, whoever she is, to be able to be loved by Benedict and not being swayed emotionally. He is not to be blame. Jayne finally understood what Benedict meant when he told her about knowing ones’ priorities. She has only herself to blame. She was just too silly to not know what it meant then. Furthermore, it was her that provoked Benedict when he had resisted. She was a willing party. She had deceived herself all along. Finally, she decided that it was time to wake up and stop dreaming of making a difference in Benedict’s life.

   

  Jayne may have awakened from her dreams; she would not bear to let Benedict forget her. She had deceived herself once again in having waking up from the unfertile dream.

  She lied to herself that she will get him one last time, presents for remembrance sake.

  Jayne bought him an aroma teddy bear and some travel pack Oreo cookies. He had told her before that Oreo was his favorite while she was munching on it during an OT night when she was still in Impingement. She bought him the cookies with the thought of him having something to eat while on the move when he has no time for meals instead of suffering from gastric every time. The aroma teddy bear was bought in the hope of helping him relieve stress while at the same time, think of her.

   

  Days passed and Jayne had held herself back many times to call Benedict, fought with the desire to see him. She frequent clubs every Friday night with the thought of finding a man and torment him in the same way as how Benedict had tormented her.

   

  Jayne’s birthday was nearing and she had planned a birthday celebration for herself by inviting her close friends whom do not know one another to Igoors (a made to be eerie restaurant) for dinner and a night of fun.

   

  The day finally arrived and Jayne together with her group of friends (Jean, Jermaine, Joy and Cecilia) had a wonderful time screaming from the traps of scary tricks along the dark pavement to the dining area. It was a memorable experience and they had even danced with the ‘ghosts’ / entertainers of the restaurant, swinging their devils’ tails.

  They each received a bone like plastic illuminant structure souvenir from the restaurant.

   

  After dinner, Jermaine had left for home while the rest of the gals proceeded to ‘China black’ (a nightspot) for yet another round of screaming, dancing and partying.

   

  Jayne had brought the souvenir along to the dance floor, swinging it while dancing.

  A cute guy name John, had been watching Jayne and her friends. He plotted his moves and pickup line. Not long after, since he is a rather expertise in this, he first approached Jayne and spoke, “Where did you get this thing from?” pointing to the souvenir and continued, “Looks interesting.” with a cheeky smile on his cute face. Jayne on seeing that he is not that bad looking, replied, “Oh, this. It was from the horror restaurant, Igoors.”

  They began dancing together with John. A guy named Joseph who had come over initially with a weary and straight face, later joined John. His face lit up when he spotted Jayne with that cheery, bubbly smile. God knows how much she went thru behind that bright smile. He was enchanted and had told himself right there and then that he is going to make this gal his. Jayne, on the other hand, sensed that Joseph likes her and had also made her decision that he shall be the one, whom she can prey on as her 1^st victim of her tormenting love game.

   

  Thru the dance, Joseph tried to be intimate and Jayne played along, flirting with him and enjoying her 1^st chapter of love game.

  When finally, Jayne’s friends planned to leave. Joseph requested from Jayne her mobile number and had kissed her goodbye. They went on separate ways home.

   

  Joseph had messaged Jayne the following morning asking her of her well being. They continued messaging each other, discovering each other bit by bit. Joseph will drive Jayne to wherever her activities were and be with her almost all of her time.

  Jayne had enjoyed his company in the 1^st place, however, she soon realize that Joseph is not in the bit of fooling around at all. He is drop dead serious about her. Jayne had told him that she was just being lonely and having his company was great fun but no commitment from her. Joseph had been mad at her for saying this. He reprimanded her for saying that and insisted on a serious relationship with her. 

   

  Joseph was very eager in showing Jayne to his friends and brought her along on an occasion of Joseph’s army friends’ gathering. Jayne had brought up the topic of asking Joseph not to be too involved yet again. Joseph’s response was the same. He insisted on his decision. Jayne felt guilty and depressed as she had wanted to accept Joseph but cannot seem to do so. Her heart will always lead her back to Benedict.

  While there, Jayne had excused herself for the washroom. Joseph went out to look for her when he found that she was gone for quite a while, as he was worried. When Jayne saw Joseph, she felt that she had to make it clear to him. She had no wish of hurting him any further.

   

  They both sat and Jayne finally told Joseph that she is not worthy of his love. She is not as good as what he had thought her to be and furthermore, her heart was with someone else, a married man. She added.

   

  She was taken aback when she had expected Joseph to finally give up this time. Instead, Joseph replied with a very gentle tone and loving eyes, “Give me time. I will make you forget him and love me wholeheartedly.” Jayne was dumbfounded as she was moved by his words; she did not know what else to say.

  She just cried out and held him tight. He offered the comfort and consolation when she was so badly hurt and lost.

   

  Jayne gave both herself and Joseph a chance to explore each other. Jayne knew that she could not be with Benedict anymore no matter how much she would love to. Maybe Joseph can truly help her get out of the pit hole she had fallen into. She finally opened herself to him and felt extremely comfortable with him.

   

  However, things did not go too smoothly. Joseph was being retrenched. He felt frustrated, as he had lost his career and having the commitment of a car to support. He screamed at Jayne over minor matters. The relationship between them is still very delicate and Jayne felt like running away from Joseph and escape to Benedict. However, she held herself back.

   

  There came a point when Jayne could not bear with Joseph’s foul temper anymore. She had shouted back at him over the phone and decided to end it all. Joseph threatened to end his life. Jayne felt like she was about to go crazy. She took urgent leave from her superior and left the company with her mobile phone switched off wanting to avoid hearing Joseph’s calls and nonsense.

  She had switched it back on in the later part of the day to date Charlie and her best pal, Jermaine for dinner.

   

  Over dinner, she received many sms from Joseph. Charlie spoke and advised Jayne to cool down and hear Joseph out since she had got him worried after been missing for the whole day.

  Jayne was having mixed feelings. She had wanted to rush to the comfort of Benedict but was being opposed by Charlie whom told her off. Telling her that Benedict will offer nothing but consolation for the present moment. What else can he offer when the night is over? Hearing Charlie’s words had felt like a slap on her face. Awakening though harsh.

  As Joseph knew Josephine, he kept pestering Josephine to reveal Jayne’s whereabouts. Josephine could not hold out longer and had pleaded with Jayne to give Joseph another chance. Jayne finally relented and reconciled with Joseph. 

   

  Jayne had recalled that Charlie seems to be very troubled himself that night. She thought she had seen his eyes red. Probably misery from Natalie, Jayne thought. What Charlie had told her last night could be from his own experience?

   

  With Joseph’s constant companionship, the intensity of missing Benedict seems to have fade. She was happy with Joseph but sad to say, as hard as Jayne tried to resist, she just cannot seems to get Benedict out of her mind still. They were still in contact thru sms every now and then. Not as often as before though. As Benedict was working in Penang, he had an apartment there. He had ever extended an invitation to Jayne asking her to go over. Jayne had desired to go. Unfortunately, the lie she tried to make to Joseph did not work.

  She learnt that Benedict was leaving for Penang on an early flight the next morning. Jayne had fought in her own head on whether she should go to the airport just to catch a glimpse of him. She finally gave in once again to her usual struggle after a night of thought.

   

  Jayne woke up earlier than before and caught a cab to the airport feeling tense and excited as well as afraid of making a wasted trip. She was also afraid that she would look like a silly fool to Benedict even if they get to meet. She grabbed her home economics text book after pondering through the whole night on how to help him when Benedict told her that he had been taking cereals as meals. The only thing she thought she can help is to give him the book so he can whip up some simples dishes himself.

  She rushed to the airport and heard that the flight he was supposed to leave in was making the last call for passengers to board. Just when she thought her hopes were dashed, she saw Benedict wearing a pair of jeans and a short sleeve shirt, carrying a harvest sack, wearing a broad smile and walked hastily towards her. He was surprised in seeing her there. Jayne had told him that she had just thought of seeing him off.

  He kissed her on the lips and told her that he will be missing his flight as he woke up late and left for the plane soon after. The book was still in her hands when she saw him off. She had thought that it seems really stupid to give him that and so she held on to it without mentioning a word.

   

  Jayne felt the same sensations all over her again. She felt both sweet and guilt as she had once again surrendered to the struggle of forgetting him.

   

  Contacts between Jayne and Benedict grew lesser with time. Few years had passed by and they had not been contacting each other within these few years.

  Jayne received Benedict’s call one night while she was on her way home after a tuition session given to a primary one boy at his house. She was ecstatic in receiving his call.

  Benedict had cheekily told her that he had just dreamt of her. A wet one. Jayne was rather disappointed to learn that the dream was not of a sweeter one. She said, “I am married.” Benedict seems to feel nothing else apart from being surprised. Their conversation went on, with mainly Benedict getting to know more about Jayne than Jayne knowing him.

   

  Another year went by after the call. Jayne had desired to remain friends with Benedict. She was still as concern and would like to know how he was doing. She plucked up the courage and gave Benedict a ring. As the phone rings, Jayne’s heart was pounding away loudly. When he finally answered, Jayne had felt her heart melt just by the hearing of his voice. The feeling had not diminished a single bit.

   

  They agree to meet on an afternoon for lunch. Jayne had felt like she is preparing for a 1^st love date feeling both excited and tense. She waited anxiously for him at the car park of her flat. Benedict had changed to a BMW now. She hoped into the car and had expected Benedict to give her a peak, which to her surprise, he did not. She wondered if it was because she is not as pretty and young as before. Much as she had wanted a platonic relationship with him, what is she expecting now? Contradictions.

   

  They drove to have their lunch and nothing special was mentioned. Benedict dropped Jayne off at a nearby MRT station after the lunch and proceed on with his must do work list. Jayne had felt happy that she was able to resist the temptations of wanting to hold and kiss him. On the other hand, she felt disappointed over Benedict’s nonchalant attitude.

  Should Benedict have initiated a kiss, Jayne would have probably accepted gladly with no resistance at all. Jayne felt very confused and did not know what she really wants herself.

   

  During this period, Charlie had moved rapidly up the management ladder in TMA. With his progress doubled with Jayne’s time occupied by Joseph, Charlie grew distant from Jayne. He was not as crappy and nonsense speaking as before.

  They drifted apart. Jayne had not been telling Charlie about her contacts with Benedict anymore. Yet another year had zoomed away. Jayne carried on with her life thinking less of Benedict. She had left her 5 years career in TMA to join a recruitment firm in the hope of a change in line and to move out of engineering.

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• Chapter 3

  Jayne joined TMA on January 2001 after a long holiday trip to U.S with her family.

  There goes her chance of seeing Ben in future.

  She had joined TMA and started on a new career path. Colleagues in TMA were all very nice people. Jayne had clicked very well with them and they have a group that often hangs out together, either to the clubs or KTV, dinner, and even exercising routine.

  Jayne still misses Benedict now and then. Though she possesses his mobile number, she does not have the courage or an excuse to call him.

  She had secretly taken some defect stickers manufactured from Impingement back home as souvenirs. This may sound crazy or obsessed but whenever Jayne misses him, she will remove the stickers from the plastic bag which is kept within a drawer in her bedroom to sniff the smell and recall the sweet memories of working with him.

   

  There came this wonderful morning while traveling in the bus, on her way to work, Jayne was listening to the radio and heard a guy whose name is Benedict called in to the radio station. Taking that as a chance, Jayne sent Ben an sms asking if he was the one that called. Though she may have known very well that it could not be him.

  He replied saying ‘no’ and the usual greeting on how is she doing then. Jayne replied him and he told her that they could meet up sometime for coffee. She was beaming with delight, having the hope of seeing him again. Feeling that cannot be described with words.

   

  Few days later, Jayne and Benedict finally managed to arrange a meeting after a few fruitless tries, as he is a busy man.

  When Jayne hoped into the green Volvo (he had changed his car), she smelled the scent she is so familiar with and had missed so terribly. The mixture of his Emporio Armani perfume scent mixed with the smell of adhesive. She could not believe that she was with him there and then. She chose a quiet place over a rowdy one and they ended in the lounge of Pan Pacific. They sat there and he ordered a glass of bourbon for her.

  They had a nice talk and had talked about their present relationship and Jayne got to know then that his girlfriend is actually his childhood friends where they grew up together, helping each other along the way. She can practically feel the love he has for her and how he must be thinking of her while talking about her to Jayne. Jayne had deluded herself into believing that she had expected nothing but just to be friends with him without further expectations or desire.

  She was very content to just being able to sit there talking about everything with him. She was not a good drinker then and had felt tired after only a few sips of the bourbon he had ordered. He offered to send her home.

   

  Throughout the drive, Benedict had mentioned on meeting up again. He unbuckled his seat belt way before reaching Jayne’s place and when she asked him why, he told her jokingly that he is making preparations to kiss her goodbye later.

  When they reached her place and Jayne was about to step out of his car, Jayne turned over and asked him, “I thought you would like to kiss me goodbye?” She did not really expect a kiss. She had innocently thought that he was only joking. He leaned over and kissed her on her lips………

   There was a long silence. She was stunned and stoned with her mind a blank. Benedict rested his forehead against hers after the kiss and seems to be resisting something.

  Jayne recovered from the shock and was disappointed with herself for having let him kissed her when she already has someone. She stepped out of the car and walked quickly back home without turning back to say goodbye.

  She may have felt bad, as it seems to be like a betrayal to Zion. However, the feeling of guilt was very soon replaced by the sweetness of the kiss. Although for a moment, Jayne knew this is wrong, she could not resist the sweetness welling up in her heart. Especially in knowing now that he likes her too.

   

  Soon after Jayne switched on her bedroom lights, Ben called, requesting Jayne to go back down again. He said that he was missing her already. Jayne had been naïve enough to think that the feelings he have for her is pure liking. He told her he is hungry, hungry for her. Though Jayne would very much love to go down and have another round of passionate kiss, she is not able to in fear of upsetting her father as it was already very late in the night. She loves her dad very much and would not upset him for he is the only parent left when her mother had left her to another world when she was 13 years old.

   

  While lying in bed, the feelings and memories of the kiss kept repeating itself in her mind.

  She had never ever felt this way before. Not any other kisses she had with other puppy lovers. Not even with Zion. The thought of him having a close childhood girlfriend never ever came across her mind then. She was too ecstatic and told herself that she will never ever forget the kiss he had just given her. That was enough for her to possess and knows that he likes her, and so she thought.

  They soon started to send each other junk sms. That kind of cute messages with good night wishes. She kept them all and never deletes them.

   

  There was a weekday when Jayne took leave to go on a suntan trip to sentosa with her colleague. Benedict sent her an sms asking her on her whereabouts. She teased him on whether was it that he missed her, and she was so pleased when he replied yes. The sweetness, she felt once again. She had incredibly and totally fallen head over heels with him now. 

   

  Sometime in the noon, Jayne and her pal ended their sun tanning session and each headed back home. Benedict called her while she was on the bus asking on her exact location. She replied him in details and he asked her to alight when it comes to a left turn into fort road. Of course, she did as told since she had the whole day to herself that day. When she alighted, there he was, in the green Volvo stopped in front of the bus stop.

  What a sweet and touching surprise! She was moved to know that Benedict had missed her and went to such length just to get to see her again.

   

  He brought her to the Chinese swimming club for lunch.

  They passed by this koi pond and he told her how he loves to have his fingers sucked by the kois. He finds it ticklish and fun. Jayne asked Benedict if he remembered the past when she was in Impingement, as she is embarrassed and would not like him to remember the encounter of him finding her in the washroom with an ugly red face.

  In fact, he remembered not only that. He remembered about her and her breakfast with milk on her desk when he walked in. Though embarrassed, she was pleased that he had noticed that and remembered.

  Lunch ended too soon. Jayne had wanted it to last longer but her heart was thumping too hard to think of any excuse to extend their time together.

   

  He sent her home after lunch as he still has task on hand. He claimed he has. He got himself an excuse wanting to go up to her place. Saying he had wanted to view her pictures. Jayne had thought that it might not be too good an idea but persuaded herself that it will be alright if she do not allow him into her room and just stay in the hall. So, she agrees. 

   

   

   

   

  She had told him to wait in the hall while she went in to the room and retrieve the pictures. Jayne had carelessly left the door open and Benedict came in without her knowing. He came to her side quietly and looked down at the album she was holding. He hugged her from behind and kissed her on the neck. She was stunned and was overwhelmed by the turn of events and his actions these days. Part of her had wanted him to let go, while the other would not like him to stop. She was confused and in a dilemma. A devil and an angel were battling with reasons in her thoughts. Rational finally won over and she managed to free herself from him.

  She had told him that she is not able to as she already has a boyfriend and she cannot betray him. Benedict was disappointed but had respected her decision and did not persist.

  They went on to the viewing of the pictures, both of them, lying horizontally on the bed, trying very hard to free themselves from their burning desire.

  Their minds were not with the pictures at all. Both had been struggling all the while, resisting the devil’s thoughts that had not leaved. The passion welling up inside them.

   

  After finally flipping thru the album, he told her, ‘we are adults and we know our own priorities. Priorities will still stay even if we go ahead with our wish now.’

  As innocent as can be, Jayne could not really understand what he meant then. However, she acted like she understood, not wanting him to think of her as a kid and have him losing interest in her.

  Looking at his disappointed face makes her wants to reach out to him and she have an urge to feel him, touch him. Of course, that is a really wrong move to a man that is trying to resist his burning desire. She did as what her heart had leaded her to do. She kissed him on the cheek and neck and he did not move but told her to stop with a sexy and hoarse voice. Jayne had broken his fragile resistance.

   

  She had freed herself from the angel’s persuasion and surrender to the devil.

  The devil in her was released and suddenly she felt all naughty and sexy. She smiled cheekily at him telling him that she would love to see him half naked as she had always been seeing him in stylish shirts. She was curious to see how he looks like underneath those shirts. That was a real moron act indeed.

   

  Benedict had appeared to her like a prince that she is not able to reach in her whole lifetime. To be able to have this chance as close as now, she had felt that it was more than she can ask for; she has to cherish the moment.

  Of course, he is more than willing to remove his shirt. He gladly removed all his clothes. Jayne was surprised but excited. Desire was spreading like fire inside them. Jayne had not know it herself that she wanted more. She wanted to feel and to touch him, caress his body and have his naked body close to hers. She clanged on tightly to him.

   

  Jayne had blamed herself for letting him have her this easily. Will he still be interested in me? Will he be disappearing after this? She thought to herself.

  Another part of her kept telling herself that she should be content for such an encounter with him.

  The fear of him going away was soon diminished as they still kept in contact and met up some times, with each time ending in bed.

   

  Jayne felt very guilty towards Zion then. She could not continue with him and had wanted to tell him every time they meet but could not bring herself to. There was once, Jayne had cried out of the blue while with Zion and he was caught by surprise not knowing what happened. She cried due to the fact that her mind was all filled with images of Ben. Even when she shut her eyes, the appealing face of his will appear even though the one beside her is Zion. All she sees now is Benedict. 

   

  Zion broke shocking news to Jayne one day. It had never ever struck her before. He had fallen for someone else and it was a Malay girl. He was crying while saying this. He was very happy with Jayne, he had told her, however, they have their differences and they both know that the route ahead will be tough. He had chosen the easier way. She was truly upset and cried her heart out for a few nights.

  Throughout the following days, Jayne had been in a daze.

   

  One of Jayne’s male colleagues, Charlie had noticed her absent minded actions and listless face. He soon became her confidante friend. He will always be there for her when she needed someone to talk to during the lonesome nights. Sunshine was what Jayne addresses Benedict to Charlie. Jayne gave this nick as she finds that Benedict is her sunshine who can brighten up her days with a simple sms. Charlie did not know who exactly Sunshine is but know of this person’s existence in her life.

   

  Charlie and Jayne soon developed a close relationship however, chemistry ever exist between them. It was a pure platonic friendship. Jayne will make some sushi for Charlie when she has nothing to do during the weekends and get him to pick them up. She will also tag along with Charlie when he runs his errands on weekends, as Jayne is too free with no one to accompany her. All her friends were with a lover except her being neither single nor attached. They will even go for movies together once in a while.

   

  Jayne’s father had met Charlie once too. When Charlie sent Jayne up to her unit after a clubbing date. Raine ever asked Jayne on why nothing happens between them. Charlie is a much better choice than Benedict, she thought. However, Jayne knew Charlie is in love with someone whom he should not get involved with as well. Charlie is more like an elder brother to her whom she can count on and talked to. As close as they are, Charlie refuses to talk about his messy relationship with that someone. Jayne knew in her heart on who that someone is although she had ever asked Charlie and he had denied. Jayne knew he is just trying to protect the lady.

   

  Jayne had long discovered that Charlie is unusually kind and attentive to a lady, name, Natalie. She is Charlie and Jayne’s colleague as well. Natalie is within the group of clubbing and KTV buddies. Jayne had seen how Charlie helped to massage Natalie’s feet when her legs hurt while in the KTV room. Small behavior and eye contacts between them, Jayne knew that Natalie is the one that had been causing Charlie much misery. Natalie is attached with a boyfriend. Jayne speculated that Natalie must have known about Charlie’s feelings towards her. How can one not know when someone had been so caring and attentive? Not only Jayne found them exceptionally close, many others had gossiped about them too. They both just denied and said that they were best of friends and simply ignored the gossips.

   

  Benedict had continued to contact Jayne and gradually, unhappiness was thrown behind her mind soon. She became relieved that she is able to meet Benedict without feeling guilty or having to lie. She was happy with the current state without thinking of anything else and that includes Benedict having a childhood sweetie occupying the whole of his heart. The whole of his heart. Had Jayne ever been even close to his heart?

   

  There were often gatherings organized by the ex colleagues to meet and enjoy dinner together. Once, Jayne joined the group in a gathering. With all the rubbish and crappy talk over dinner, the topic of junk smses was brought up. Jayne showed them the cute sms she had received from Benedict without proper thoughts. When the phone was finally returned back to her by Rachel, Jayne was shocked and fear strike her.

  Rachel had went back to look at who was the sender. Jayne was uncertain if Rachel had known and the thought tormented her causing her to lose a few nights sleep.

   

  Days passed and a clubbing date was being arranged with Rachel and Charlie. While in the club drinking, Rachel showed Jayne an sms. Jayne’s instinct told her to find out who was the sender. To her dismay, it was Benedict alright.

  Jayne felt her heart being torn apart. She may have suspected about Benedict having many flings but why must she be strike with the truth? The facts slapped straight in her face. Time to wake up. Jayne got very upset and she soon started to feel gorgy from the long island tea she had been gulping down her throat while being upset with herself.

  Charlie had entrusted Jayne to Rachel and her friend to leave for other events. Unfortunately for Jayne, Charlie, the sensitive new age guy had failed to notice that Jayne was not being her usual self that night.

   

  Benedict called up Jayne the following morning asking her if she is all right or was experiencing hangover. He sounds amused. Amused by what Jayne had felt over him and her silly actions. Jayne had speculated that Rachel must have told him about what she did last night. She felt like a fool but she acted strong and replied him saying that she will not commit silly things like that again.

   

  Jayne was hopelessly in love with Benedict. She was unable to resist the urge to see and feel him. With the fact of him having flings with many others, Jayne had once again given in to her desire. She was not willing to give him up.

  Rather, she deceived herself that she is able to play along this flirting game Benedict is so good at.

   

  Jayne began to frequent clubs and KTV almost every Friday night. She will always look for Charlie to go for suppers if there is no other program. Enjoying the freedom of meeting Benedict anywhere, anytime with no guilt, Jayne was more than pleased. She felt content and happy. An sms from Benedict can keep the smile on her face for the rest of the day.

   

  ON a particular weekday, Natalie announced that she is getting married soon. Many had joked with Charlie and asked if he will attend the wedding. He replied in the most cheerful expression that he will definitely turn up. That is his best friend getting married. He will definitely be attending to give them his blessing. His gesture almost deceived Jayne as well. Acting strong, Charlie was bleeding.

   

  Though married, things between Charlie and Natalie were very much the same. They still behaved in the same way. However, Jayne knew Charlie must have felt miserable, confused and terrible. This is what she is going through too. Deceiving oneself is what they are both good at. Telling themselves that they are content as long as they can enjoy their company, not asking for much.

   

  There was a weekday night when Benedict and Jayne had arranged to meet. She was to wait for him while shopping with friends. Jayne had always been patient and wait for his call aimlessly without calling him just so not to disturb his work or to create trouble for him if he was with his girlfriend. He rang only at about 11pm complaining that he was having his gastric again, however he had insisted in meeting her nevertheless. He came to bugis to look for her and she had waited for him near the taxi stand looking out for the green Volvo. There was no Volvo in sight but she spotted this sleek Mercedes CLK parked at the roadside. When she found that it was him that came out from the car, she was astonished. He did not mention this to her before. After greeting Jayne’s friends, he took off with her in that sleek roadster. He drove her to Madam Wong (a popular nightspot) at Mohammad sultan Road. They went in for a drink and Jayne had danced, with Benedict hugging her close. He soon complained of the smoke that had irritated his eyes, making him uncomfortable. And so they left.

   

  They headed for his newly half furnished detached house, which he would like to show Jayne. While on the way, he had opened up the roof of that convertible and asked if she had enjoyed herself. She raised both of her hands and said, “Too bad I do not have a scarf right now.” He laughed. Oh, how she loved the way she made him laugh. She pondered if there are any other women that will go all out to make him laugh and managed to. The same way as she did. How much will he remember her than others?

   

  He brought her into his house and was greeted with a huge pond at the front porch with lots of kois. Remembering him telling her he loved kois. He showed her in to the house saying proudly that he did all the interior design. However, she was only able to roam on the ground floor as the top floor was not done up yet.

   

  Needless to say, he had expected ‘that’ from her. However, Jayne lied to him that it was inconvenient then, as she had felt that he had wanted to see her mainly because of ‘that’.

  He sent her home in his Volvo and demonstrated his Volvo turbo thru a short distance.

   

  He told Jayne that he would drive his car to nowhere in particular when he feels moody and would like to unwind. She felt so much like asking him if he will bring her along if he ever feels depress, in the hope of being able to be there for him. But she had held back as she is afraid that the lucky lady that is kept in his heart will be the only one he ever will bring and share his thoughts. Jayne choose not to know the answer so that she can carry on deceiving herself.

  Jayne still tries the best as she could to cheer him up when he is upset. Benedict had called Jayne and told her that he is feeling lousy. After hanging up, Jayne made a card herself, with a cheery tweety bird spreading it’s hands out saying, ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy!’ and posted it to him at his office address as a surprise and in the hope of drawing a smile from his ruggedly, charming face.

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